everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
