We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
