well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
