Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
