I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
