no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
