There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
