i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
