I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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