The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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