I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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