chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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