new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
