Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
