I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
