I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Apparently you make a good broom.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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