someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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