Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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