Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
