I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
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