hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
