I met the friendliest cop last night
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
