The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
