I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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