oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
i think i have herpe
just one?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
