things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
