I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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