recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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