why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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