dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
