i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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