Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
