my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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