There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
