he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
