i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
