It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
