He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
