I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
