I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize