The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
