when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
