I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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