i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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