and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Randomize
