Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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