I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
