Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
