i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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