I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
