He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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