Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
