if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
