Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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