Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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