He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
