we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
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