It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
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