your parents love me but you hate me
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
All I want is dick and wine.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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