I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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