someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We left the knife in your bed.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
