she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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